when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
