Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
