your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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