Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
