apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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