Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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