I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
