Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
