she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
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She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
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even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
lol hangovers are for mortals.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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