how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
