listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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