A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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