my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Randomize
