i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
lets start a swedish sibling band together
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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