I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Randomize
