but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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