I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
What a dumb baby whore.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
