His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
This baby is an asshole
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
