Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
