my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
