if only i could text you this smell
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
