they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
