I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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