u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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