It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
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how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
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No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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