So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Randomize
