you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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