fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I need a beard to bite.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
