It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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