Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I want her autograph on my taint
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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