Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
