I must be too annoying 4 u.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
