I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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