i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I'm sobbing to NWA
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
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