My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
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Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
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Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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