she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
