dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
