Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
