Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
