Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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