Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
