my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
