i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Randomize
