Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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