my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
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I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
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Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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