Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
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