Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
