U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
