hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
