I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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