Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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