Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
