I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
