i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Randomize
